Things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman

I am convinced that the sight of a pregnant belly seems to produce the phenomenon of people losing all of their manners and the filter between their brain and their mouth.

I would love to point out the nice things people say daily, but that's just not as fun. So since I've apparently been into lists lately, here are my top 10 things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman!

NOTE: Most of these are from my first pregnancy so either I haven't yet eclipsed the sun or my stink eye round 1 was highly effective.

1. "When's your due date? (Glances at belly.) Oh honey, I don't think you will make it that far!" Really? That's a pretty precise medical declaration you have just made just by judging my size! For the record, I went past my due date and had to be induced.
2. "Are you having twins? Are you sure?" Thank you for commenting, not so subtly, on my circumference. I am 5 feet tall. The only way for this baby to go is out! Not only is this rude, but, statistically, it is safe to assume that most pregnant women are NOT having twins.
3. "Did you plan this pregnancy?" How to answer? Yes, we've both taken biology classes? No, it was a cool October night and the Aggies were having a great season? Does this even merit a response?
4. "Sleep now, you'll need it when the baby comes." Is there some sleep deposit bank I'm unaware of where you can sleep now and redeem later?
5. "Babies change everything." Oh, I see. So they don't come out ready to enjoy bottomless mimosas, hot yoga and 5 course dinners on any given Saturday? Fascinating!
6. "Should you be dancing this much?" I was asked this at a wedding recently. To my knowledge, no baby has ever been danced out of his mother's womb so yes, pretty sure I'm safe here.
7. "You are carrying high/low/in your hips/in your butt." Um, thank you?
8. "Can I touch your belly?" If you know me well enough, you shouldn't have to ask. If you have to ask, you don't know me well enough. I would like to respond: "Sure, but only if I can touch yours!" At least they asked which is better than some.
9. "Do you have a name for the baby?  Oh, that's too long / trendy / masculine / feminine / I knew a kid named that who was [fill in the blank]." This is the name I have chosen for my child!  If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked you for it!
10. "You look tired. I bet you're ready for this baby to be here!" I know this is the "polite" way of telling someone they look like s***, but the message translates just the same.

My advice is this: unless a baby's body part is hanging out of a pregnant woman's nether regions, just smile, say congratulations and tell her she looks lovely. Unless of course you like pain. Then refer to 1 through 10 above!

Ahhh, I feel better already!

Hello from baby Charles!